Chastity can lead you to your perfect relationship. The benefits of maintaining a chaste lifestyle have been discussed over and over again — from both religious and secular perspectives. In either case, one of the stand-out incentives for committing to chastity has always been the promise of fulfillment you will feel from eventually meeting and bonding with your soulmate.
But enough has been written about staying chaste before marriage. In this week’s blog, I want to focus primarily on its value after divorce. As a divorcee myself, I am all-too-aware of the lack of guidance for those of us who identify as Christians but who are often judged by a community which tends to see divorce as either a sin, or shameful, or both.
As a Christian, I believe that God has a plan for all of us. I also believe, however, that humans are fallible as a consequence of original sin. Sometimes, in wanting to adhere to the path of virtue, we can go astray. In those cases where a marriage should never have been, the Church has the power of annulment to ensure that, in truly desperate situations, two people should not be forced to live in suffering. That is what happened to me, and it is with the benefit of that experience that I want to share my thoughts on chastity after divorce.
For the sake of clarity, though, I thought I’d start with a few definitions of what it is to be chaste. Although chastity has many definitions, I have chosen three from the Merriam-Webster dictionary to help explain why chastity is so important — even chastity after divorce.
1. Chastity is abstention from sexual intercourse (in other words, virginity).
Today, Christianity upholds the value of chastity partly because it stops people from getting hurt emotionally as a result of casual sex. No matter what the intention, sex itself is an intimate act that is underpinned by trust between the individuals involved. Any breach of that trust — whether through malicious intent or just through thoughtlessness — can be a traumatic experience for the wronged party. It’s never nice to feel used or discarded.
By contrast, the observance of chastity occupies a very important place in both the healthy development of an individual and in the well-being of society at large. It promotes integrity and respect for other people, and for life itself. As such, it has been described as “a virtue for everyone”. (see Francis Cardinal Arinze, Chastity Elevates and Builds Up).
Outside of the obvious benefits to chastity — such as the minimal risk of contracting an STI or the near impossibility of an unintended pregnancy — there are many other less obvious ones, like providing a space for you to get to know your partner outside of sexual activity. It can be a way to build an emotional basis to your relationship that might otherwise be overlooked.
Chastity can also help to further ones’ understanding of the difference between physical and emotional attraction, ensuring that your relationship choices are based on strong emotional connections as opposed to purely physical appeal.
It can even free up more time to focus on your career, friendships, or family. A lot of that can fall by the wayside if you spend the majority of your time acting like a character from a teenage rom-com!
2. Chastity is purity in conduct and intention.
Cheerful by nature, I hid all the serious difficulties of my marriage from the moment I said “I do”. That commitment to both my vows and my positivity remained steadfast through the span of one decade. In my mind, even if my marriage was not why I had hoped for, I had made a commitment — not just to my husband, but also to my kids and to our home.
Working in architecture, I shared an office space mostly with men and, often, I had to stay late to finish floor plans or 3D renderings. Some of those male coworkers would regularly ask me to meet them for a cup of coffee outside of work. I would politely decline.
As the Lord says in Hebrews 13:4:
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
Being married is not easy and the rule of “stay faithful” is just the tip of the iceberg of what is truly required from a loyal spouse. There are many forms of impure conduct. In Mathew 5:28 Christ says that anyone who looks at another woman (or man) with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. My interpretation of that is that any form of pornography or lustful talk about another person are also forms of cheating and can therefore be considered to represent a lack of chastity.
Again, the benefits here are clear to see. Living chastely can bring comfort and security into your personal relationships. It places an emphasis on consideration, trust, and respect for others — and that is something to which we should all aspire.
But what about chastity after divorce?
When the despair in my marriage became too hard to manage, after I had exhausted all resources (including couples therapy — twice), and after 12 years of total commitment, I asked my husband for a divorce.
The social scene I was coming into at 38 years old was in many ways more degenerate and immoral than it had been during my teens and early 20s. I listened with shock to other divorcees who told me that any date was expected to end in bed. That the “flavor tasting” was fast paced. They knew that there were so many desperate women like them out there: feeling cast adrift in the midst of their midlife crises. It was a buyer’s market, and the buyer was a totally average mid-40 man who could take his pick from a slew of women any age from 50 or more all the way down to their early 20s.
My competitive instinct kicked in. How could I compete with a 20-year-old after 5 years of architecture school, 10 years of managing a successful architecture practice, 2 kids, 5 years of running my own construction company and all the life experience that went with all of those things? Well, for one thing: I was so different to the average 20-something on so many levels! My beauty was mature, my mind had expanded; I was wiser.
I decided not to play the typical divorcee dating game. When the first gorgeous, most desirable and popular, recently separated male called my cell to ask me out for a cup of coffee, I kindly declined. This time, I had no husband at home, but I had my heart to protect. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:18–20:
“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”
I made my decision on that basis. Any dating candidate would have to go through a serious vetting process. I would not be “back in the market” for another failure.
3. Chastity can also be defined as restraint and personal integrity
Eventually my self-discipline paid off. I received a phone call from my sweetheart from university, the one who had asked me to wait for him until marriage back when I was 21. The one who I had broken up with.
But I did not run into his arms. Vetting, remember? I maintained my chastity after divorce and waited 8 months to see him in person. Our relationship grew via emailed love letters. We had a lot of conversations back and forth. Then I met him. Still I remained faithful to my chastity vows. As it is written in 2 Timothy 1:7:
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
I knew that God had given me the spiritual strength to exercise self-control. I also knew that if I could let our love grow without physical intimacy, everything else would follow naturally. After all, if we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together, why did we have to rush?
In Ecclesiastes 3:1–5, we are told, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven… a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing”
Once I knew that this person was the one I had been waiting for — the one I should never have left all those years ago — I gave him my trust, first of all. He reciprocated, letting me into his life and those of his children from his previous marriage. Then, I gave him my heart. He did the same, pouring out his soul to me in long calls and letters. Only then did we start dating.
We got married 12 years ago — and it has never been anything less than beautiful.
